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You aren’t the kite, caregivers. You are the pilot.

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We all meet life’s bruising winds in our own ways. We may often feel like we are blown about like a kite in a storm. But you’re not the kite: please remember this. A kite without a pilot isn’t really a kite: it’s just a piece of trash being kicked around wherever the wind wants to take it. YOU are the one who makes the kite fly. YOU are the pilot. When you meet the challenges of angry loved ones, problematic family members, obnoxious friends, dwindling finances, and more, can you accept them as the wind? Can you accept that these are the conditions of the present moment and harness that “wind” to your best advantage? Because, and I hate to say it, those circumstances are often about as unchangeable as a monsoon. If we can’t change the wind, we have to learn how to harness it. We learn how to ride it in order to go where we want. We stop fighting the forces of nature and become present with them in a constructive way. In the hands of a master kite pilot, even difficult winds can produce...
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Three Reasons Why Family Caregivers Are at a Disadvantage

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Being a family caregiver ranges from difficult to brutal. There aren't too many other options. Compared to institutional caregivers, you're at a distinct disadvantage. There's no getting around it, but there are ways to get through it. First, let's make sure you understand the weak spots in your armor and then we'll talk about how to strengthen them. Weak Point #1: you don't get to clock out. You are on duty all the time, even when you're sleeping. If you have anyone to help, you're lucky. But if you're reading this, chances are it's because you are the primary caregiver and you need help. Professional caregivers get to clock out and get some relief, focus on their own families, and live a whole life separate from their work. They get to compartmentalize, keeping the emotional drain of caregiving locked away in the part of their brain reserved for work. You don't get that luxury. Weak Point #2: it's personal. You are emotionally involved....
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Generation X Caregivers - Giving More than We Got

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It isn’t fair if you think about it. We were the latchkey kids, the ones who took care of ourselves and drank from the rain gutters and chewed on the lead paint while our parents weren’t home. We let ourselves in and out of the house, made ourselves meals, and learned to cope with bullies and puberty and sex on our own. Alone in the house, we tested out the liquor cabinet and found dad’s stash of betamax pr0n. We found the loaded gun in the nightstand and most of us lived to tell the tale. While mom was off actualizing and dad was off doing the “Don Draper from Madmen” routine, we dealt with depression and loneliness, raised by MTV and Hungry Man dinners. And we somehow, incredibly, developed a deep well of responsibility and compassion. Somehow we took all of that and, as a generation, went so far the other direction that many of us are known as “helicopter parents.” We took all of that angsty hair metal and grunge rock and decided that we actually care about our families and friends....
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De-escalation for Dementia Care

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Caregivers, is it time to use some karate on your aggressive or agitated loved one? Well, not like you might be thinking, but yes! Hold off on that karate chop, though, and let me explain. As some background, when I’m not running elumenEd, I’m teaching martial arts. I’ve been studying for 40 years, and it’s one of my great passions. The most important skill I teach my students is how to **de-escalate** aggressive situations without violence. When our loved ones meet our care with aggression, de-escalation is the most important skill for you, too.  The de-escalation techniques below are based on how we trigger calm human behavior in others. These strategies can defuse a lot of difficult situations with an aggressive loved one who lives with dementia. *First, it’s important to understand that a loved one’s aggression is a form of non-verbal expression. Due to their dementia, they may feel unable to communicate, unable to ask for what they need, and unsafe as a result. Humans tend to ...
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"Should" is a magic word, but not the good kind of magic

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  “Should” is a magic word! It mystically transforms your world into a steaming pile of yuck. If you’re a caregiver for a loved one with dementia, you probably have a mile-high stack of shoulds: Your loved one (LO) should be well and free from dementia Modern medicine should have a cure for dementia Your LO should have the same temperament they always have They should be able to handle their bathroom needs on their own I should be able to cope better I should never get angry or lose my temper I should always meet my LO’s needs I should not show my frustration, anger, or sadness I should never resent the person I’m caring for This should just be a nightmare that I can wake up from Things SHOULD NOT be this way All of that may be true. All of those “shoulds” make sense to me, and probably would to anyone. There’s just one problem: “should” and “is” don’t live in the same galaxy. Every time you talk about how something should be, you’re losing touch with the way things are. More than ...
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Welcome to this Unspeakably Good Dementia Blog!

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Welcome to our new blog on the Blogger platform. Here, we're all about getting the best news and information to caregivers of loved ones with dementia. I'll have lots of great articles, videos, education, and opportunities for learning coming your way shortly.
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